- I would still be as confident and trusting as I was in high school.
- I would be untainted by the type of pain that touches the soul.
- I would be excited at the prospect of love and romance rather than terrified of the pain-to-be.
- I would be whole.
- I would love freely and openly.
- I would be naive and blissfully ignorant.
- I would be unbroken.
- I would be stronger.
- I would have my dignity and perhaps my faith.
- I would feel secure and content.
- I would have no notion of true love.
- I would be a child.
- I would have a limited range of emotions.
- I would be more reckless.
- I would be less daring, less traveled.
- I would be less nurturing.
- I would be less human.
Does it ever go away?
This hole-in-heart feeling? Or will it stay with me forever, waiting for a jagged song or extended downtime to poke it ruthlessly?
I often wish for the grace, maturity, worldliness and compassion with which to forgive you for the pain you’ve caused me. Sometimes, I even pretend that I am that person who is no longer petty and broken. I begin to think, I can do this.
And then I think maybe I am ready to reclaim my friendship with the one person in the world I felt more comfortable around than even myself. I think maybe I am ready to talk to you again and laugh with you like we used to, platonically of course. Maybe I can see you again.
But I have to be honest with myself here. I am both terrified, and somehow still filled with some disturbed nugget of hope and this knowledge alone is enough for me to realize I am not ready.
How often have I attempted to peer into my own future, seeking the rewarding date that should mark the end of my suffering? Will I still feel this way by March? October? January? I couldn’t possibly, I’d think. It will have been x-number of months by then. Things will have to be better. I will have to be stronger by then. Right?
Yet each deadline approaches and passes, and I am left setting new deadlines to mark the end of my pain. My doubt is growing.
Will this ever end? Can it? Am I subconsciously holding myself back ? On the surface I believe I am taking all the right steps. I’ve put myself back out there, I’ve had adventures and tried new and exciting things, I’ve focused more on my family and friends, and I’ve let work distract my weary heart and mind.
Will nothing be enough? Will nothing end this, once and for all? With finality? Must the cycle continue? Must my heart and mind continue to play games with each other until I lose any and all self-respect?
I have yet to agree that ‘it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ How different my life could have been now had I never caved to your flattery all those years ago. You can’t miss what you don’t know, right? You can’t be tortured by memories you never created.
Yet somehow we did come together, only to fall apart in the end. Every connection severed except the one linking the wholeness of my heart, to your out-of-reach one.
Will it ever go away?