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Did you know?
I used to search your eyes. I used to try desperately to see something there. Beyond a reflection, the likes of which any hard and glossy surface could deliver.
Those moments when I just silently stared straight into your eyes? I was looking for a way in. I wanted to see past them. I wanted the sun to lighten your dark eyes so I could catch even the tiniest glimpse of what lay behind them.
I wanted to see your soul. I wanted proof it was there, if I’m being truthful. In moments when fear gripped my uncertain heart I needed proof that you were real, and more than a test.
I needed to wade in the depths of your eyes, to swim with your soul, to know it was right and that I was safe in my happiness.
When I couldn’t see past your eyes – when they remained dark despite the surrounding light and despite my willful pleading- I tried talking myself out of the fear I felt then.
I tried shaming and guilting myself out of thoughts that you were not real. I felt disappointment and tried to quell it but it lingered. So I kept trying.
In those moments while you held me close and stared uncertainly my way, I stared back, searching hungrily and fruitlessly for your soul.