I have a college degree. I have friends and family who love me. I work with some of the most wonderful people I have ever known. I have a job that allows me to make a difference every single day. I do not suffer from any incurable diseases. I have strong communication skills. I have big aspirations and the means to reach them. I live in comfort, with food to indulge in and a warm bed to lay in every night. I can travel the world and enjoy leisurely activities on a regular basis. I have things to say and people to listen.
You’d think that’d be enough. Enough to keep me happy. Enough to keep me grateful. Enough to keep me confident. Enough to keep me strong.
But many days all I can focus on is what I’ve lost. Who I’ve lost. And the worst part is, he’s not even deserving of my time.
If someone had come up to me several years ago, distraught due to the end of a relationship, I probably would have laughed in their face. I didn’t understand how losing a dumb boy could handicap someone’s life. Until it happened to me.
I’m not proud of the pathetic FB statuses I proceeded to post many times a day a couple years ago when this first happened. Which is why this time, after we took a year apart, tried again and fell apart again I have refrained from doing so. It’s true that I am much stronger this time around than I was the first, but not as strong as I’d like to be.
Aside from all of the downer feelings that come with a situation like this – of rejection, confusion, helplessness, loss – the most irritating is how little everything else in your life starts to matter.
It drives me crazy that, despite all that I have going for me, I still allow myself to feel pain over losing this one aspect of my life [or more specifically this one dumb boy]. Not only that, but allow that pain to consume me. At times when I can’t prevent my thoughts from going there I try to drown them with other, more inspiring thoughts: people have it way worse out there stop being so selfish! Or – refer to paragraph 1. It’s not enough though.
Why is that? How terribly frustrating.
What’s more, it is clear to me now that as much as I wanted this to work out and thought it was meant to be, I can’t do it alone and if it’s this hard it must not be meant to be. Knowing this frustrates me even more because it makes me realize that I am literally wasting my life fretting about something that probably won’t really matter several years from now.
So why can’t I keep the pain away? Stupid, stupid, stupid heart.
I’ve always been a heart over head person and this is doing me no good at the moment. I’m trying mightily to let my mind take control since I know that’s where all the real power lies.
This is clearly something that is going to take time but until then I must keep reminding myself of the one thing that seems to snap me to attention these days. I believe Anna Nalick put it best in “Breathe (2 am).”
“Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
and life’s like an hourglass glued to the table”
When I heard that second line this morning it actually made me catch my breath and panic for a moment. How true. Time is moving CONSTANTLY and in only one direction. Can I really justify spending my time moping over one person who doesn’t care, rather than investing it in the dozens who do? Most certainly not! [In fact I can hardly justify sitting here or having a single idle moment when I read that last line. Ah, time’s running out!]
She also makes a good point when she says we can’t jump ahead. So basically, I just have to suck it up and deal. I wish it weren’t so difficult to do. But it is whatever I make of it, and so I’ll keep chugging along until this all becomes one of those memories I can look back on and laugh at myself for, for feeling all that unnecessary pain and misery.
If you’ve been through something similar, you know how rough it can be and how much it helps to hear that others have made it through. So for myself and anyone else who reads this and can relate, feel welcome to leave some words of encouragement in the comments.